I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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