I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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