the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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