The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize