I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
