the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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