bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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