eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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