I wish I could teleport
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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