I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i think im in europe. pls send help
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