I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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