i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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