How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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