Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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