you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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