I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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