if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
