On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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