I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
