I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
