I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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