I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
