tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
