It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
