she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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