allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
