I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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