I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
