I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
