i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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