Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I lost the right to judge tonight
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
