Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
