I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
