The police scanner is talking about you again....
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
