I think scott just propositioned me for sex
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
