did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
