Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
