I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize