i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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