He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
