My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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