why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
