Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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