Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
