I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
