don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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