My liver just broke up with me...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
