He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
