I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
