A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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