I hate all girls vehemently.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
