I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
