I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
