I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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