i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
