Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
