Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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