Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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