I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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