This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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